The First Month: Reflections

We made it through the first month! I've been told we are officially parents now. Our little guy is turning from a sleeping, pooping, eating infant into a full fledged newborn. Every day he is a little more awake, a little more interactive, and exponentially more enjoyable.

I've learned quite a few things in this first month - the most important being to trust my instincts. The husband and I haven't really ever been around kids, nevertheless newborns, before we decided to have a child. So what I knew about kids before I picked up my copy of "What to Expect the First Year" could have fit in a thimble. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Everything I read said breastfeeding was easy. Here are the positions, here's how to ensure a good latch, now sit back and enjoy the bonding time with your baby. I even read how evil you were if you didn't breastfeed. I always knew I would breastfeed...why not? It's free and easy and why not have that special bond with your child? Here's the thing no one told me: it's not always quite so easy.

Breastfeeding got off to an okay start. Since Preston was premature, I didn't get to have him placed on my chest after his was born. I honestly didn't see but a glance of him for almost two hours after he came out. I didn't get a chance to even try and breastfeed him for about 6 hours after he was born, which didn't go too well. Also, his blood sugar needed to be tested every two hours for the first 24 hours after he was born. Overnight during our first night in the hospital, his blood sugar dipped pretty low so we had to supplement with formula to regulate it. He was on both formula and a bottle from day one. By the time we got home, we were in a routine. He could latch on and eat away. But no matter how long he ate, he was always fussy ten minutes later. Everything said I read said that he wasn't hungry; that breastfed babies always eat until they are full. I checked my supply, I made all sorts of calculations...I fed for hours and hours and hours. But he was still always hungry. Luckily, even though it made me feel like a failure, my mommy instincts came in saying MY CHILD IS STILL HUNGRY and I fed him formula or pumped breast milk when he cried for more food. I feverishly researched it - everything told me I was over-reacting and that he wasn't actually hungry. I even was told the formula and extra milk I was giving him was stretching his stomach out and he would be obese for the rest of his life. Amazing what you find on the Internet, isn't it?

Besides a huge ego hit (why can't I satisfy my child? Why after hours and hours and hours of feedings is he still hungry? WHAT IS WRONG?), I was okay with supplementing. I just knew it in my heart that it was the right thing to do. I finally decided to see a lactation consultant to see what the deal was. She weighed Preston, let me feed him, then weighed him again. After over an hour of nursing, he only got HALF AN OUNCE of milk from me. No wonder he was hungry! I was right! He isn't able to get milk from me very well at all. We spent a lot of time re-training both him and me and it is a work in process, even now. Sometimes he will feed for 2 hours and then drink 4 oz of milk. It's astonishing to me. I go back for a follow up appointment tomorrow, but she said the best thing to me when I was there:

You did a great job listening to him. If you weren't in tune with his needs, he would have been in a lot of trouble because he's getting almost no food.

How great is that to hear? I did the right thing! How awesome was it when he was weighed and my little 6lb peanut was EIGHT POUNDS? I was so happy. And I will never again doubt that I have a set of mommy instincts.

Having a child has also made me fall in love with my husband all over again. Watching him interact with and care for his son leaves me speechless. Having him help around the house without me asking, or getting up to feed the baby in the middle of the night, or (gasp) staying up with the baby for the entire night so I could get a full night's sleep is the best. I couldn't imagine doing this without him. I would go crazy. He always seems to know when I am overwhelmed during the day and pops home for lunch without even talking to me. He walks right in the house, gives me a kiss, sweeps the baby up and tells me to make a cup of coffee and sit down and put my feet up. It's simply amazing.

Things have changed so much in the past month, and watching Preston grow and change every day has been the greatest miracle. Being at home with him all day and caring for him all night has its emotional ups and downs, but I can't imagine a better place to be in the world right now than exactly where I am.

To many more months and years with my two special guys.