Long Walks

P has decided to boycott naps the last two days for no reason. Yesterday, I was going stir-crazy for other reasons besides my constantly awake child, so I strapped the bugger into his jogging stroller and away we went on a two hour walk/nap. Luckily he fell asleep as soon as we started moving, so I got some fresh air and a sleeping baby all at once. He looked too cute in his little stroller not to share.

Nursing..finally the story

I haven't said very much about our struggle with nursing here. It has, by far, been the toughest part of my life with Baby P so far. P and I just have never figured it out. I talked about the early days of how his blood sugar dropped in the hospital and we had to supplement, and then how I was with a lactation consultant at 4 weeks. The lactation consultant discovered P wasn't very good at getting my milk and was only getting about half an ounce each time he nursed, which is why we we had to supplement. We did exercises and stuck with the nursing. I also was pumping and taking herbs to increase my supply to make it easier for him to get milk and formula feeding when needed.

For a while I was nursing, pumping every 2 hours, supplementing with pumped breast milk in a bottle and formula when needed. It was EXHAUSTING. I was constantly reading everything I could about increasing my supply, weaning him off formula, and how I could increase the yield on my pumping sessions to eliminate the formula. Nothing worked. Did I mention nothing worked?

About 4 or 5 weeks ago, I gave up nursing. I pumped every two hours and fed P a combination of breast milk and formula. He was getting about 80% breast milk. Although I could pump while I fed him and feeding sessions were quicker and less stressful, after about 2 weeks I really, really missed nursing. And I really hated my pump.

So I started nursing him in the morning again. Then at lunch, then at dinner, giving him a bottle when he needed one. He was down to one bottle a day and nursing the rest of the time. A few days ago he went to bed for the night and I realized he hadn't had a single bottle! That had NEVER happened before! I got so excited! Maybe after 4 months, this might work! Then day two without bottles came and went and now I was on cloud nine.

Day three came. P hadn't taken a nap in 2 days and spent the night lying on my chest. He would cry every time you put him down. He couldn't stand to be away from one of us. He wasn't acting hungry, but would nurse if I offered. He was just really clingy. It was really odd. He was especially fussy and I went to nurse him and he was still fussing. So grudgingly, I gave him a bottle. My little guy drank 8 oz of formula. He instantly became the life of the party, playing and laughing with everyone. It broke my heart. It really did.

I was so torn - I want what's best for my baby and it was undeniable the difference it made. But I want him to be breastfed so badly. Then I felt selfish. Selfish for wanting to nurse him. Selfish for being upset that he took a bottle. I feel inadequate - how is it possible I can't provide what my son needs? I seriously vowed I was quitting that day. I nursed him for his next meal and with some help from my husband, we got him down for the night and he slept 12 hours like normal.

Today, nursing has gone just fine without a single hiccup. He's actually eating right now. I enjoy this time so much with my son, I just want it to work. I've been flexible his whole life with providing him the food he needs, but breast milk and breastfeeding is so important to me. I just got my hopes up so much when he went bottle free for two and a half days. Like all my hard work finally paid off. I get so tired of counting ounces and cleaning bottles and pumping that I thought I was finally being rewarded. And I know I'm over-reacting.

I'm going to keep at it and keep listening to him. Flexibility is key in our nursing relationship. I can't help but be jealous of women who can breastfeed without a problem and I empathize with those who struggle. I never thought I would have an issue with nursing. It totally caught me by surprise. It has honestly consumed me. Regardless, my reward for all this hard work I wasn't expecting to have is a happy, healthy, growing son and whatever our nursing relationship looks like, I am so blessed to have it.

Wordless Wednesday

Quick post

One of these days, I'll detail my struggle with nursing, but for now I'm happy to report we are back to it and it is going well! P is getting maybe a bottle of formula a day and anything I pump I am freezing. It's working out well! He is doing so well and is just a ray of sunshine. He's going to bed around 8 at night (except for when he decides to have a party and then he is up until 11) and not getting up until 7 or 8 in the morning. We got super lucky with his sleep pattern. He is napping right now which is the only reason I have a chance to post. We go back for his 4 month appointment on May 4th. I can't believe he is 14 weeks already! It is going by so fast.

Three Months!

At three months:
Guessing about 14 lbs and 23.5 inches since we don't have a doctor's appointment this month
Sleeping 8-10 hours per night in the crib
Eating 6-8 ounces per feeding 4 times per day with no night time feedings
Eating 2/3 pumped breastmilk and 1/3 formula
Tracking objects, cooing like crazy, and so, so close to rolling over
3 month clothes, Circo newborn sized pants and 6 month footie pajamas
Size 1 diapers
Loves swatting at toys, sucking his thumb, playing in his jumper, sitting upright in his boppy and standing up (with help of course!). So close to rolling over!