Nursing..finally the story

I haven't said very much about our struggle with nursing here. It has, by far, been the toughest part of my life with Baby P so far. P and I just have never figured it out. I talked about the early days of how his blood sugar dropped in the hospital and we had to supplement, and then how I was with a lactation consultant at 4 weeks. The lactation consultant discovered P wasn't very good at getting my milk and was only getting about half an ounce each time he nursed, which is why we we had to supplement. We did exercises and stuck with the nursing. I also was pumping and taking herbs to increase my supply to make it easier for him to get milk and formula feeding when needed.

For a while I was nursing, pumping every 2 hours, supplementing with pumped breast milk in a bottle and formula when needed. It was EXHAUSTING. I was constantly reading everything I could about increasing my supply, weaning him off formula, and how I could increase the yield on my pumping sessions to eliminate the formula. Nothing worked. Did I mention nothing worked?

About 4 or 5 weeks ago, I gave up nursing. I pumped every two hours and fed P a combination of breast milk and formula. He was getting about 80% breast milk. Although I could pump while I fed him and feeding sessions were quicker and less stressful, after about 2 weeks I really, really missed nursing. And I really hated my pump.

So I started nursing him in the morning again. Then at lunch, then at dinner, giving him a bottle when he needed one. He was down to one bottle a day and nursing the rest of the time. A few days ago he went to bed for the night and I realized he hadn't had a single bottle! That had NEVER happened before! I got so excited! Maybe after 4 months, this might work! Then day two without bottles came and went and now I was on cloud nine.

Day three came. P hadn't taken a nap in 2 days and spent the night lying on my chest. He would cry every time you put him down. He couldn't stand to be away from one of us. He wasn't acting hungry, but would nurse if I offered. He was just really clingy. It was really odd. He was especially fussy and I went to nurse him and he was still fussing. So grudgingly, I gave him a bottle. My little guy drank 8 oz of formula. He instantly became the life of the party, playing and laughing with everyone. It broke my heart. It really did.

I was so torn - I want what's best for my baby and it was undeniable the difference it made. But I want him to be breastfed so badly. Then I felt selfish. Selfish for wanting to nurse him. Selfish for being upset that he took a bottle. I feel inadequate - how is it possible I can't provide what my son needs? I seriously vowed I was quitting that day. I nursed him for his next meal and with some help from my husband, we got him down for the night and he slept 12 hours like normal.

Today, nursing has gone just fine without a single hiccup. He's actually eating right now. I enjoy this time so much with my son, I just want it to work. I've been flexible his whole life with providing him the food he needs, but breast milk and breastfeeding is so important to me. I just got my hopes up so much when he went bottle free for two and a half days. Like all my hard work finally paid off. I get so tired of counting ounces and cleaning bottles and pumping that I thought I was finally being rewarded. And I know I'm over-reacting.

I'm going to keep at it and keep listening to him. Flexibility is key in our nursing relationship. I can't help but be jealous of women who can breastfeed without a problem and I empathize with those who struggle. I never thought I would have an issue with nursing. It totally caught me by surprise. It has honestly consumed me. Regardless, my reward for all this hard work I wasn't expecting to have is a happy, healthy, growing son and whatever our nursing relationship looks like, I am so blessed to have it.